Not realizing that it will soon become mandatory for all, I started my
self-quarantine journey way back in November 2018. I got my special leave from
work approved. Back then, it was not for protecting myself from a pathogen but
it was for my perceived fear of losing myself to the chaos of an unproductive
yet dead busy work-life. And while I was happy that I was getting to relax and
getting all the time i wanted to pursue things I love, I was equally
apprehensive about this new arrangement that I had asked for myself. I didnt
have to go to office suddenly after 10 years of constant to and fro between
home and office and I didnt have a position to myself to make me feel important
and influential. I didnt even have an active network with whom I interacted
everyday outside home. I dont know if one has noted it, but I believe going out
of home gives us an inflated sense of importance. We get ready, dress-up and
prepare ourselves to go out, and therefore it makes us perceive ourselves superior
to those staying home.
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| Inspired by Frida Kahlo |
Out of all with whom I talked about my decision of special leave, almost
everyone warned me that while I will initially enjoy the freedom of no
deadlines and no stress, but soon, will be bored to death and might also regret
this decision of taking a break from work. I was perplexed with such thoughts
and anxieties before my 1 year leave period began. From Guwahati, Assam, I
shifted to Delhi to join my husband to live in an Army Mess at the fag end of
Dec 2018. It was a house sans kitchen as in the Army an Officer not staying
with his wife is generally entitled to such an accommodation until opted
otherwise. It meant I didnt have to cook and I dont like that much either, so
didnt miss out much there. I used to start my day at 8.30 am because the mess
would close by 9 am for breakfast. Thats when I used to get-up after my
dear husband had pampered me back to sleep on his way to office at 8 am. I
wanted to get enough of the feeling that tells how it feels to sleep without
having to get-up without morning alarm indicating office. After a sumptuous
breakfast at the mess, where I would initially see few stranger ladies everyday
who within a month, become friends, I would chit-chat and take a stroll in the
beautiful garden of Army Battles Honors Mess. Then come back to my
accommodation, try reading a book and by then it would be lunch time and I
would again go to the mess and eat with those two ladies. Interestingly, one
the two ladies, Mrs Mehra (wife of a serving Major General, Army) turned out to
be a pleasant surprise for me. She was unassuming, extremely humble and
grounded and absolutely realistic. I never thought , I could get along with a
senior lady on such a pleasant note given the regimentation and formalities of
the Army atmosphere. Important to mention here that after observing it for more
than 6 years I have accepted that there are many norms in the Army which are
not in sync with the ideologies that I have acquired by virtue of my
profession, however, I have learnt to respect it the way it is despite
disagreements.
In the middle of this new phase of life, something hit me hard and
brought me on my toes. One night, few days prior to my periods I felt a more
than usual discomfort in my right breast which i believed was hormonal. Yet my
husband insisted that I see the Gynae in the Army hospital. On a Saturday
morning which evaporated into afternoon, after a long wait, as it was not an
Officers' OPD day, almost at the close of the day, I could meet the doctor. I
explained what I experienced, expecting like always, he would say its nothing
but PMS. But, lo and behold, he frightened me by referring me to surgical ward
suspecting a lump. I didnt sleep the whole night and the next night and not
even the following night, until I went to the see the doctor at surgical ward
on Monday. And the surgeon wasnt available (you see Army hospitals and
Government hospitals). Then, I had to see any available general physician as
more than anything else I was pained by the anxiety, and needed a medical
expert to give me a final verdict on the suspicion of the Gynae.
All this while, the only thing I wished for was, " Please God,
protect me and Give me good health'. Everything else that I ever cared for such
as a good job, good looks, money; became immaterial.
He was God for me as this gentleman's words were an antidote to the
damage the gynae had done to my mind. He calmed me down and ruled out all
suspicion through a sonography report. I cant explain how blessed and fortunate
I felt after the report, I thanked God endlessly and still continue to do so.
This episode left me with such a feeling that eversince, all my prayers
and wishes are directed to only the wish- Good Health for me and my family
members and loved ones. Ever since, that episode, I have learnt acceptance and
the sense to appreciate and rejoice even the most basic and granted things in
life. Now, it doesnt bother me if I will get a promotion or not, it doesnt
matter if others will praise me or not and it doesnt even matter if I had
limited resources as long as it was enough for a basic living. All that matters
to me is good physical and mental health.
Anyway, time passed, with a heart full of gratitude for each and
everything life had given me, I started making the most of it. This episode,
while it got me overthinking fretting over little health issues in a bid to nip
it in the bud, also broke my inertia where in order to get over the negative
thoughts around health, I started pursuing the bucket list of things I wanted
to during my year long break from work. Here is the sequence:
- I began with my
penchant for Public speaking and began hopping Toastmasters clubs in Delhi.
After 4 months of assessment I zeroed down on a club and became a member. I
became part of a network outside home apart from work.
- I started painting.
Few of my own paintings have amazed me and I wonder if asked to redo them will
i be able to reproduce them
- I learnt driving.
Though I have a long way to go with driving in traffic, I picked-up this long
cherished life-skills
- I learnt to play a
musical instrument. I can satisfactorily play many of my Hindi and English
favorites on my ukulele
- I started learning a
foreign language- Spanish from School of Foreign Languages, Delhi. I surprised
myself again as I turned out to be a topper in the two semester exams. In a
first, I recited a poem in public that too not in my native or the language
that I have learnt since school, but in a foreign language and won the first
prize in an inter-college Poetry competition.
- I restarted Kathak,
Indian classical dance. I had learnt it before, but it felt like a clean slate
until the muscle memory marked it presence while doing ‘Tatkar’. But the hand
movements were apparently atrocious. Thanks to my guru, now I enjoy seeing my
own dance videos.
- In 6 years of
marriage, for the first time, I lived consistent 1.25 years with my husband and
contrary to what I worried about, not even for once I felt that I have had enough
of him. Time with family made me a happier version of myself
As I write this, it feels like rediscovering myself all over again. As
if I didn’t know myself well enough to be aware that I could do as much and how.
It was a discovery that unlike what I had believed, my self-worth was not only
as much as my job and position in an organization. Contrary to what I was made
to believe and was anxious about, I never miss office (its only for the monthly
salary that I would remember office if at all, however, I genuinely never felt
that I needed more money than I had) I realized I had enough to keep me happy.
And while I was busy loving and enjoying my new life where I wasn’t
going to office, didn’t have position and influence, didn’t have reason to go
out apart from for few essentials for a short period of time and had all the
time in the world to do whatever I had ever wanted to do and be with my
husband(family) after 6 years of long distance marriage, there came Corona
virus in February 2020 followed by mandatory imposition of Lock-down and social
distancing as preventive measures.
And here I see, all that I intentionally asked for myself have come in
the form of advisories to people as part of social distancing and
self-quarantine. I see advices and videos from experts on ways to spend time
while being at home during lock-down. Almost all the activities of my bucket
list find their place in these advices. No wonder, I found myself swiftly
navigating into the recommended way of living during COVID-19 pandemic. Being
homebound didn’t bother me. And veritably so as I had already started living a
life of realization, gratitude and with a sense of contentment with only basics
and simultaneously praying for the good health of self and of all the loved ones much before Corona virus
arrived to drive home the point. I got my message from my own experience in the
form of that medical episode.
I let out a long sigh as I note the similarities between the prevailing
social situation including recommended individual conduct of every person
forced by COVID19 and how that medical episode although a false alarm made me
content with the basics to appreciate little things in life.
What I have come to believe in my 34 years of existence is that
everytime the universe realizes that we are getting carried away and deviating
from the realities of our existence, we are sent a message by nature and the
invisible forces that life needs to be kept simple. True living isn’t about fat
pay cheques piling up in your bank accounts, it isn’t about denying the
realities of the inevitable- aging and death and of course not about flaunting
that you had a more exotic holiday than your neighbour on social media.
Tue living is all about ‘happiness’ that comes from detachment from the
never-ending temptations of achieving more, it is about being at home and doing
nothing, it is about not having to keep an account of time and productivity.
True living is about enjoying leisurely with family without worrying about who has to go to
office and school and when, true living is about doing your laundry, washing
your utensils and mopping your floor on your own, True living is about
accepting that we are not beyond nature and universe and respecting its boundaries
instead of exploiting it to the extent that it gets compelled to send us a
direct/indirect red flag- this time in the form of Corona virus.
Living through past 1.5 years and substantiated by Corona virus crisis,
there is another important message for me and all- that no matter for how long
we don’t go to work either 1.5 years or 21 days, the world will not come to a
stand-still. It will go on with or without us. It tells that even if the
house-help doesn’t turn up for 21 days, you will manage the chores on your own.
It tells us don’t go by hearsay and see things for yourself to believe them. It
tells, if you want you can do it.
It tells us that things look challenging only until you take the plunge,
once you get into it, there is equilibrium! The one that I found for myself 1
year back as I decided to take a break from the maddening crowd and be with
myself.
